Jake's Recipe for Salad Dressing

I don't need a recipe.

No offense to those who do like recipes. I have enjoyed many a meal that was prepared using precise measurements of this and that. But recipes are just so restrictive. When I go to work in the kitchen, I like to let the ingredients volunteer their services. Somethymes it seems that they know what I'm cooking and they call out to me. It's kind of like Obama's vision for volunteerism in America...

Anyway, my assignment for this year's feast was simple. I was to make a green salad and prepare a relish tray. Simple and easy... a little too easy. With some encouragement from Jenny I decided to complicate things a little by making a copycat of the Olive Garden salad dressing that we all love so much. She showed me a recipe online and I got the basic idea. A little oil, some lemon juice, some vinegar, diced garlic, a touch of parsley, a sprinkling of romano cheese, some pectin! Mix it all up in our handy dressing bottle and voile! It was ready to taste.

hawcht-patewy!! Something was wrong with this recipe. Not only did this dressing taste nothing like the OG, but it tasted nothing like anything good that I have ever had! Even Chef Boyardee would take offense at this Italian creation.

With my ghastly result in hand I paused in the kitchen to listen for which condiment or spice would call to me and volunteer their essence to salvage the dressing.

The first to pipe in was the ever-trusty sugar, everything is better with a touch of granulated goodness.

Slurp. hmm still too acidy.

If sugar doesn't work, what else could I use to tone down the acid?

At this point I remembered my chemistry, if something is acidic, why not just add a base to tone it down? Brilliant! I knew I went to college for a reason. I paused again, anxiously listening for an alkaline volunteer to make their services known. From the deepest, darkest corner of the pantry I heard a whisper, "come, try me". It was my long-lost friend Arm and Hammer, the perfect base to neutralize any excess acid.

Deja vu?? As I poured the first tablespoon of baking soda my mind flashed back to the days of my youth. It seemed I had done this before. Memories of baking soda, vinegar and closed containers flooded my memory as my dressing flooded out from the bottle. Quickly I tried to limit the spillage by replacing the lid to the jar. This action angered the baking soda and CO2 hissed its way through the lid. I gave up and just opened the lid as ghastly dressing sprayed all over my sweater, the wall, the freshly washed dishes, the counter and of course the floor!

Fortunately nobody was physically hurt, that's the most important thing. As for my trust of condiments and spices... well, let's just say I'll be a little more careful next time the Arm and Hammer calls out to me. That jokester.